::As Mother's Day Approaches...::
The day for mom's is swiftly upon us. Just two more days and then it's that time of year for mom's to get showered with cards, candy, flowers, and other various types of trinkets and gifts. Good for them, well those deserving of it. Some women deserve a special day more than others. Sad as it is, not all women live up to the motherly standards that idealism has set the bar at. I love my mom, don't get it twisted. It's just that there are many things that she's done, said, and acted out that don't seem to be motherly at all. I'm sure all mom's may have pissed off their kids in some way, but many do it out of concern and love. There are others who are only mothers because they gave birth, but the caring and nurturing wasn't necessarily part of that package. I have a mother who is kind of in between. Sometimes she can really act as if she cares about the well being of her kids and making sure that they do the right things, but on the flipside of that, I wonder if it's for show. Living with me isn't the easiest thing for anyone to handle, I can be very opinionated and down right bitchy. I know that, and I try to work on it on the daily. It's just that there are so many things between me and my mother that aren't resolved. I'd like a little closure on all the issues that I have with her. I don't like to say that I can't get along with my mom most of the time. I hate the fact that sometimes she can seem right out selfish. The thing that hurts me the most about our relationship is that she has said some of the most hurtful things to me that I could imagine. I've had very dark times in my life and I was so ashamed to let anyone know about them. For those who knew me in high school during sophomore year, I used to wear a lot of long sleeved shirts or I always seemed to have sprained my wrist. Well, there was a good reason for that. I'm not going to be ashamed of it anymore, I was suicidal. I cut myself and I hid it. The scars are barely visible now, but my mom has said things that will scar me for many years to come. It's not all her fault, I couldn't live my life if I tried to say it was. It's just that during that time in my life she played a major role in my self-esteem, or lack thereof. Right now, it seems the cycle is repeating. I've been trying to get help because I don't want to be ashamed of my feelings anymore. I've done that for too many years of my life. It's just hard to come to grips with all the emotional and mental anguish when one of the people who I need to understand me the most doesn't even want to come with me to one lousy fucking counseling session. For the past 4 weeks it's been, "I'm too tired, you know I work graveyard shift", "Why don't you just ask your dad to go with you?", "I have an appointment", or "Not today, maybe next week". I need a mother right now. I can't put off having a mother for much longer. I really want to repair the damage I feel has come between me and my mother, but it doesn't even seem to be of any consequence to her. It's so hard seeing her day to day and not even wanting to talk to her and feeling resent or disappointment. I just want her to hear me out...but she won't even let me do that. I love my mother, but as harsh as this may be for some people, she doesn't deserve to celebrate mother's day. She can't be there for me when I need her the most, and I've voiced it to her, and pleaded with her, and done everything I could to let her know how important I feel it is to me. It's just a repeating cycle of I'll care for you today, but not tomorrow. I want to break that cycle and have a real mother. I guess we all have something to dream about then, don't we?
Random Blurb: Loving someone is one thing, but to get along with them is another.
posted by Rochelle @ 5:37:00 PM
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