::Feelin' Much Better::
Yeah, a lot of personal drama-rama has been plaguing me lately. Some things have been resolved, which is always a plus. I just wish that the more important things were handled. I mean it's no sweat to get over little bullshit like someone called you a bitch or getting obscene phone calls while you're trying to do your job. It doesn't even begin to compare to dealing with years of resentment, neglect, and denial. If I could only get one person in my life to admit that things aren't as cool as they paint it to be, then I'd have a whole lot of weight lifted off my back. At least with the recognition I'd be that much closer to mending all the damage. But that's how it's been, I don't even know if I should still let that upset me. I can't help but have this strong urge to smack the shit out of her so that maybe she'd just take a look at the destructive habits she has and all the denial that distorts her perception. I love her, but at the same time I really just don't like the person she is. It's been a damn battle for years, I just want a mother. I don't feel I have that. She acts more like an older sibling than anything else. When I think of my mom, it's painful. That's what really sucks. All I want is a mother...but she doesn't act like she wants that title. I really wish I was one of those people who could say that I get along with my mom. To sum up our relationship we're civil, but we're far from acting like family. We've always been oceans apart. That bothers me everyday, it bothers me even more when I try to start building a bridge how she can find a way to completely destroy the work I've done. I'm not expecting that to change anytime soon, but I'm not going to give up. It's just hard to let that be the cycle. I feel better that my little issues are done away with. I'm very thankful that I have people in my life who will help me through all my troubles, even if they don't realize that they help out. But, by being human I can't help but want more. I try remember to count my blessings day by day, but there's no way to forget the disappointments thrown at me.
Random Blurb: Today I'm especially thankful that some of my grandma's faith has rubbed off on me and that I was able to battle my suicidal tendencies.
posted by Rochelle @ 12:35:00 AM
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