::Disturbed and Abused::
I had the worst dream I could possibly imagine. It was the type of dream where everything feels so real, I awoke in a cold sweat, tears were streaming down my cheeks, and my heart was palpitating furiously. I relived a part of my life that damaged me emotionally, and I'm still trying to deal with those repercussions today. For what seemed like eternity, I was 6 years old again. They sky was a hazy yellow, and I was looking at it from the balcony of my grandma's old apartment. I watched the cars drive by on Plaza Blvd. My grandma called me inside to eat lunch, and I walked back into her 8th floor, 2 bedroom, nook of the world. My step-grandpa had just come back from where ever, then the next thing I knew he was fighting with my grandma. He was screaming at her, I could see a burning rage in his gray eyes. The veins were popping out of his neck and in the hand where he held his cane. My grandma was cowering beneath him, crying. She was apologizing over and over again. I couldn't move. I stood there and even with everything I had, I could not force myself to move even an inch. I wanted to protect my lola Paz with all my might, but I was paralyzed. My voice couldn't even force out a squeak. I watched in horror as he swung his cane at the table, smashing the dishes to bits. Then he raised his hand, as if he was going to strike my grandma, and at that moment I was able to yell, "STOP!". The word echoed through the air as he turned around to face me. Everything around me and him vanished. His eyes were no longer angry, they were filled with a sickening lust. He walked over to me, and tried to take me by the hand. I flinched at his touch. I always did. He whispered in my ear, and I wanted to vomit. His raspy voice sent shivers down my spine and chilled me to the bone. I heard it so clearly, "Go to the room. I promise that I won't hurt grandma if you keep our secret." I wanted to hide, I wanted to disappear, I wanted to run, I wanted to do so many things, but I chose to go to the room. I didn't want anything to happen to my grandma. I sat on the bed, and he had me sit on his lap. The moment I felt his wrinkled and clammy hands inching towards the buttons on my pants I saw black and felt nothing. The next thing I remember is standing back outside on the balcony. The sun had set, and the night sky was cloudy. It looked like it was going to rain. I was in my pajamas and my hair was wet. I smelled like Johnson and Johnson's tear free shampoo. I stood up on a bar stool, and balanced myself on the concrete ledge. Then I jumped. The ground was fast approaching, I saw black and woke up. I cried for at least an hour before I could get back to sleep.
Things didn't happen exactly like that, but the bastard was abusive nonetheless. He used the threat of harming my grandma to keep me quiet. He basically told me that if I sacrificed myself, I could save her. So I did, and it worked. For the most part anyway. He finally went over the line, and my grandma left him. It shames me to admit this, but I'm glad he died. He was a bad man, I just hope he didn't hurt anyone else after that. I didn't confront all of this until my sophomore year in high school. I hate that it still affects me now. That dream was too real, and now I'm just short of traumatized. I hate that this came up while I'm going through this already stressful time. Thank the Lord it was only a dream. I don't ever want to relive that again.
Random Blurb: I'm hoping for a dreamless night. I'm too disturbed.
::Things::
Things are about as OK, as I could expect them to be. My ex and I have more of an understanding. I'm not mad or bitter towards him anymore. I have the closure I want. Even though I'll never agree with his reasoning and I'll never really accept some of the stunts he's pulled, I can finally let it go. The only thing that cuts me now, is this sick feeling. I feel it way down, deep in my gut. I feel it because I'm so lonely. My friends have been nothing short of supportive and wonderful. The thing is, at night, the pain intensifies, and I cry myself to sleep. The crying helps to dull it all just enough for me to shut down, and get some rest. I can't explain exactly why this feeling haunts me, I can't shake it off. For the most part, I'm functioning fine. I have my appetite back and I'm getting more sleep. I feel OK up until I try to sleep. I become so overwhelmed with this sinking feeling, it's almost like I'm falling. Pain washes over me, the tears flow freely, and I try to stifle my sobbing. At that point, I feel like I'm breaking down. The crying releases all this pent up emotion, then I slowly relax, and drift to sleep. I wake up feeling like I had the best rest ever, but the next night the cycle repeats. I miss having the constant companion I found in "him". Who am I kidding? I miss "him", period, and people can tell. I just want this lonely feeling to dissipate, and I've tried to aid in its disappearance. Tried, trying, will try, no dice. All I can do is hold out hope, and not give up. It's just so hard and I'm so tired of this same feeling. I apologize if I seem off lately. I'm sorry if I might have acted offensive in any way. Forgive me for being a total space case. Trying to find peace of mind is so draining, and I'm starting to feel like a zombie again. I thank everyone who's been a kind ear and a warm hug. I just hate feeling like I need to be alone, but at the same time I feel so alone that I can't handle it. Nothing but confused right now.
Random Blurb: If I could just make it all go away...
::Back Home...FINALLY::
Las Vegas, whoop de friggin doo. Some people just aren't satisfied when things don't go their way, then they make the trip hell. I have to listen to bitching and complaining. I never tell them to shut up (out loud anyway). I just wanted to have a relaxing trip. Whatever, I went with the flow. I really don't like negative energy, and I was surrounded by it. *sigh* Well the upside is, I got some Christmas shopping done. I'm not finished, but I have a good start. I got to see my sunrise. It was magnificent. I was already in Vegas when I saw it, so I took a little trip off the strip so I could get a better view. The colors were...hmm. Well all I could say then was, "Wooooooooow!" All the colors were rich and vibrant. It was a good way to start the trip.
I slept until noon that first day (Wednesday), then went on my mission to get some shopping done. I went to the forum shops in Ceasar's Palace then strolled down to the Fashion Show Mall. I felt accomplished. Got back to the timeshare about 6:30 and waited for my parents and my younger siblings to get in. After that we headed to downtown to peep the Fremont Street Experience. Then shit hit the fan. It was not good. My older bro just started hating on the whole thing, calling it a waste of time. Blah, bitch, moan, whine. I don't know why he was complaining. He wasn't going to go on the trip, but my dad bribed him with $200 so he'd have some spending cash. My bro ended up leaving so he could do his own thing. I felt bad for my parents. They just wanted to do some family stuff together. Honestly, my older bro tries not to be apart of the family. He has a lot of resentment towards our parents, just can't let stuff go. After that little fiasco, I just wanted to go home. Eh, some of you know that. I never told my family because I didn't want them to feel any worse. I just sucked it up and stuck it out. Good thing I was there with my grandma. If not, I think my bro acting up might have gotten to me. My grandma looked upset too. *sigh* I hate seeing family look disappointed. I always hurt for them when that happens.
Thanksgiving day, that went ok only because me and my two brothers went off to do our own thing. After cooking in the timeshare and having our Thanksgiving lunch, we were out and about. My older brother dragged me and my younger brother to like 7 different casinos so he could collect for his shot glass collection. I bought my younger brother a pair of shoes at Niketown. I told him, "Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas!" That blew my budget for both occassions. He was happy though. We did more sightseeing. Got back in time for dinner, hung out with the fam, then I took a nap. My older bro and I left in the middle of the night and got in about 4:30 today. We have to get to work now. I know I'm going to need the holiday pay. So that about sums up my trip. All things considering, it was ok. Just that one part really got to me. But hey, shit happens. I'm home and I'm safe. I'll just be praying that the rest of my family gets back in on Sunday the same way.
Random Blurb: Siegfried and Roy still grace several billboards. I saw an old video in the Mirage when they both had the 80's rocker hair in like '95.
::Desert Sunrise::
I'll be leaving for the land of bright lights and gaudy, sequined, costumes tonight. The best part about leaving while it's dark is that I'll get to see the sunrise over the desert. The sky is so clear so the colors run nothing short of brilliant. It's absolutely beautiful. I wanted to soak it all up the last time I was on my way to Vegas with Brenna and Mike. Too bad I was the one who was driving. The marine layer by my house always makes the sunrise look gray and blah, I haven't seen a decent sunrise since about the end of August. I love watching the sunrise way more than watching the sunset. I don't really know why, but for some reason a feeling of warmth is always evoked while I play the spectator. *sigh* I can't wait.
I don't really care that I'm going to Vegas. Honestly, I would've been just as fine staying home. I see it more as a convenience within an inconvenience. The trip is going to feel so rushed, thus the inconvenience. I need to be back by Friday morning so I can get my second wind before going to work in the afternoon. But hey, the holiday pay will be nice. It's not that different from the last time I went, but I would've liked to take things in a little longer. The convenience part of it all is that I get to see my grandma. She helps keep my head straight just by thinking about her. She's my tiny, filipina, polvoron making, jokester, you're only as old as you think, beacon of hope. It'll also be nice to get some holiday shopping out of the way. I'll be going to Niketown and FAO Schwartz so that there's less for me to order online. I hate paying shipping fees. Too bad the FAO Schwartz in Horton Plaza fell off and closed down. Other than that, I don't really need to see sights again. We'll see what happens.
Random Blurb: I wonder what happened to all the billboards of Siegfried and Roy?
You are a selfish, immature, little man. I can't believe that you want to act upset now. You got away with so much shit in our relationship because I willingly forgave you. I stood by your fucking side through it all. Don't pull this on me now. I waited around for you to make up your mind for a year and a half. You stopped telling people that we were together after the first 2 years of this 5 year ordeal? How could you? Was I not important enough? Did you still want to fuck around on the side? How could you have denied there was an "us"? I can't believe that out of all those people we both know, that more than half would never have assumed we were together. What the hell? I don't understand why you're so upset that some people found out that we WERE together, they don't even know who you are. They just know that I WAS in a relationship, and NOW I'm not. Don't act surprised that people are saying that they want to hook me up with someone. You wanted to be friends and you got what you wanted. You made this decision. Now I find out that for almost 3 years I wasn't even mentioned as more than just "Rochelle", and you're the one who's getting mad at me? People always thought I was just another friend! Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. I did nothing but try to love you. Are you doing this shit on purpose? Do you want me to hate you? Are you pissed off that I won't let you get away with certain things anymore? You can't have shit both ways. I'm not going to be your fuck buddy. The most I was willing to give you was a hug and a kiss on cheek, now you can't even have that. My GOD! I'm so angry at you. I swear you better pray I don't strangle your ass. Just fucking stomp on my heart some more. Rub the salt in this huge, gaping, head wound, why don't you? For 3 years, YEARS?!? You are seriously fucked in the head. Grow the fuck up. Take responsibility for your actions and yourself. I'm done. That's it. I tried to make shit work as your friend. That isn't even working. You can't have your way this time. If you think about it, you've almost always had your way. There's no way in hell now. Fuck you. I can't believe this shit.
Isn't it bad enough that you don't even bother to ask me how I'm doing? Isn't it bad enough that you can act like this shit does not affect you in anyway? Why bring this shit up now? God, I'm already feeling so lonely and lost without you. I'm already vulnerable. You stripped me down to some sniveling little bitch. I feel wretched knowing that I can't have things the way they were. All I ever wanted was to make this shit work out. Now this. Just fucking shoot me already. Stop fucking torturing me. I already feel less alive. Stop taking pieces of me away. You had my heart and you shattered it to bits. Why do you continue hacking away at what's left of me? I just want to be able to move on with my life. Why do you insist on this emotional warfare? Just stop. STOP. Please. No more. I just want to be left alone. Please, stop...
::Toe Socks::
My mom got a pair of toe socks. I was surprised that she actually went out and bought a pair because I just didn't expect that kind of thing from her. This morning, I was in my parents room and I was playing with my sister and my mom proceeds to try out her new pair of what she likes to call, "cool foot accessories". Me and Rita stopped what we were doing because my mom was struggling to get her toes into the individual spaces. We started laughing because my mom said, "Where are my toes? I can't find them!" We just let her continue to entertain us with her dilemma until she finally gets the socks on properly. My mom is teeny tiny. She can wear kids size shoes in a size 3. She bought herself these socks that basically fit women's sizes 6 and up. There was all this fabric just hanging off of her toes. It was stupid looking. So guess who owns a new pair of toe socks? Silly woman.
In other news, I'll get to be in Las Vegas for this coming Thanksgiving. I'm going to see family again, but the person I'm most looking forward to visiting with is my maternal grandmomma. I love that lady with all my heart. She still wishes I could go play with her in the casino. Not yet, in Vegas anyway. My birthday is coming up. Big whoop. Blah. I don't really want anything material. I'm hoping that I get that time off request approved for the 5th. There's the December Nights thing going on at Balboa Park. I'd just like to go and spend time with some of my friends in honor of my birthday. They're all worth more than any present they could buy. I've needed them more than ever and I'm definitely thankful for them being ears that would listen and givers of pretty kick ass advice.
Well, that's all I have for now. I guess I could put up a post about what I'm thankful for. Maybe, maybe not. It might just end up as boring dribble. I'll think about that one. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.
Random Blurb: I'll let you all know that I'm especially thankful that I've been able to get more sleep. I've missed too many hours of rest, it's nice to make up for it now.
::10 Minutes To Go::
OK, I survived my graveyard shift. I'm almost out of here. I'm going to go home, go to sleep, wake up, get ready for my shift that starts at 3 in the afternoon. Let's hope I can hang. Hmm...how can I kill my last 10 minutes? I can tell you I didn't do shit all night except for think. Think and bullshit with my co-workers. It was chill. I learned some pretty cool things about some of the people I work with. It's always nice to feel like you have some kind of bond going on. I like it. Especially since I've been feeling utterly lonely. Things are hard for me right now, there's a lot going on. Right now is a time for prayer for my family. We got word yesterday that someone is sick. Possibly terminal. All we can do at this point is wait it out, pray for strength, and give support. I'm shook. My emotions have been running rampant, getting the best of me. I'm just so drained by everything. I was talking to Mishers, and I totally understand what she meant when she told me that it's not the drama that throws her off, it's the feelings that are caused by it. Feelings...bah. I'd like to be a little more numb to it all. Right now I'm more attuned than I'd like to be. That bites. Well, I should start logging off so I can get the hell out of here. I need to be back in a matter of hours. *sigh* There's most likely going to be another post. I know I'll be bored all day.
Random Blurb: I'm going to pray the rosary before I sleep. Please hang in there. You can't leave us now.
::Today was a Good Day::
It surprised me how eventful my day was. Quite out of the ordinary for my usual day off. I was surrounded by people all day long. I've needed that lately. I have great friends and most of my days are spent either at school or work, but even with all of that I've felt so very much alone. There's a gaping void that I can feel in my gut, it's constant nagging has chewed at me for the past couple of weeks. Today, thanks to so many people, that feeling was subdued so that I could genuinely laugh. I hung out with Minh this afternoon. We just watched
Finding Nemo, and bullshitted for a couple hours. His friend Qamar came by before I had to bounce, and we had a great convo about music and the conformist mentality that surrounds most American media.
I came home for a minute, and I received a call from my beloved Char. I've missed her so much! Unfortunately we didn't talk long, and she couldn't meet up tonight. I was able to catch Mishers online, but she had to work until 8, and took a rain check on rolling with us to the event. After that, I rolled to the show I talked about in my previous post. My brother, Brenna, Mike, and I went to UCSD and we had mad fun. I know it wasn't a big venue, but it's always good to support your local artists. I finally got to see Norm and Rodney again. It sucks how my work schedule usually prevents me from seeing them perform, but today I was just fortunate. They've grown as artists and I must say, I was impressed! I saw quite a few people I haven't seen in a while. It was just nice to see those familiar and friendly faces. The event itself was
WEIRD!!! Someone got sucker punched over bullshit, I'm sure. I took this opportunity to people watch, and it just cracked me up at how lost some people looked. There was one guy in particular who Brenna described as, "a deer in headlights". He just kinda stared into space, too scared to move, but too engaged in the performance onstage to turn away. The performances were an interesting mix. Head bobbing shit forreal though. I love hearing banging beats and well spit lyrics. Good stuff!
After that, the 4 of us rolled to Denny's. Let me just say for now, that Denny's is a fucked up place any time after Midnight. I have so many stories of weird shit happening at Denny's it's sad. Goodness! Sensory overload!
I'll be working a graveyard shift for Friday, I start at 11 PM and I'm done at 7:30 AM. That Saturday, I gotta be back into work by 3 PM. It's kinda fucked because I swapped shifts with someone, but what the hell? I get a differential for that night. That'll be sweet. Holidays are coming up, both my brothers, my sister, and myself were born in December, so I need all the money I can get. Shit, I'm starting to ramble. I have re-arranging to do anyway. Just one of the many compulsive things I do because of the neurosis I suffer from. Eh...I said I was going. Gone.
Random Blurb: My latest saying is, "Fuck a bitch in a Von Dutch hat!" Haha. That's for Norm.
::I Love Music...Hip Hop Music::
**FREE SHOW** ON THURSDAY!
Dialectx Crew will be performing with STYLES OF BEYOND
November 20th @ UCSD PRICE CENTER
starts promptly at 8:00pm
Who's down to roll with me! I HAVE to support my boys in the Dialectx Crew. Norm and Rodney I miss hanging out with you guys!!! So whoever's down for some free Hip Hop give me a holla! And like Norm says:
Guys wearing Von Dutch hats are GAY. period.
did i offend anyone?
i'm just letting it be known. i'm just trying to help YOU out. anyways....
be there.... WITH OUT your Von Dutch trucker "makes-me-so-cool-cuz-i-paid-so-much-for-it-let's-all-conform" hat. bring it and be stoned to death.
Yeah, I agree with Norm on that one. Over priced pieces of shit. But yeah that's all for now kids. I'm just spreading the gospel of Hip Hop. If you know my number give me a call. If you know my e-mail send me a message. If you don't know either leave a comment. I want to roll deep to this event. It's going to be mad fun.
Random Blurb: I know you're bobbin' ya head, 'Cause I can see ya.
::You're a Regular McGyver::
Richie is SOOOO cool. He's like McGyver. He can use common office supplies to aid a damsel in distress. Hah...So check this out, the gem from my labret had unscrewed and fallen out. I had been struggling for Lord knows how long and just on queue, Richie came by my little cubicle. Now, he just intended to kill some time and chat, but he ended up with a mission. Richie was all like, "Uh, what's going on?" I told him how I spent like all this time trying to get the stupid tiny ass little gem back into place, and how my brother tried to help me but he was having an equally bad time. Being the chivalrous man that he is, Richie decided to help me out. He tried to just use his fingers, but that was totally not working. He said he needed tools. Well he found some, then he got the job done. All he needed was tape and white out.
Now I know you're all like how in the fuck does tape and white out help? The tape will actually make sense to most people. Richie used the tape so that he could create almost a screw driver type dealy. It made it easier to guide the gem back into the post. Now, the white out, I'll admit that's really odd. He told me, "White out helps dry out my fingers." Which it didn't. After putting white out on his fingers I hear, "Oh shit, now it's sticking." What a maroon! Then after getting his "tools" it took him 15 minutes to get the gem back into the post. He kept making me laugh, I made him laugh, he laughed at something he remembered, and I laughed because the whole situation was ridiculous.
With all factors into consideration, I must say that was definitely my highlight for the past few days. Good stuff!!! Oh yeah, I posted some new things on the Kung Fu Kitten. Brenna's song, "Cold" is up. My co-worker LX has been on a roll. So enjoy some of that when you can. Later all!
Random Blurb: Oooh. Now I have ideas. I just need duct tape, popsicle sticks, cotton balls, paint, and glitter.
::"Him"::
The past few days, I've been skating by on minimal food and sleep. I'm genuinely not hungry and genuinely not tired. The only reason why I attempt to eat or rest is because I know that I'll need it. Right now, I just can't help it. I never can help it when I'm emotionally stressed. I've been trying so hard to get through what I like to call, "just another funky phase". I've been trying to tell myself that's all it is, but it's so much bigger than anything else I've encountered.
My heart aches with every beat. My smiles act as a mask to hide my cloudy disposition. I can laugh and joke, but that is all so very fleeting. The moment I have time to think to myself is the same moment I'm ready to break down. I try so hard to not let my thoughts revolve around how badly I feel for myself. There are other people who are going through a time that's equally trying, or maybe even more so. But whenever I think of "him", any composure I've been able to muster falls to pieces.
I find it odd how I'm acting like I've completely lost him. The decision he made was to just be friends. Even though I hate that it came to this, I accept it. We still see and talk to each other. It's inevitable. We're in too deep to just drop almost 5 years together. I swear everything is still so fresh in my mind. I remember how our very first conversation went through the night and well past sunrise. The first time he drove me home I had already closed the car door, but he opened his window and said, "Hey, you're cute". He told me that he'll always remember how I ran around the front of the car, gave him a kiss on the cheek, thanked him, and said good night. From that day forward, we had the pleasure of getting to know each other more and more. In each other, we found the honesty, sincerity, and trust that we were looking for. Now, I try so hard to fight saying the words, "I love you". He does too. We thought it would be best, so that we could try to make things just a little more simple. I have no idea if it's working for him. I'm remaining hopeful that just once, it will slip out so I can say it back and while I'm looking into his beautiful, brown, eyes. The love is still there between us.
Sad as it is, sometimes, love just isn't enough.
It's so hard to even talk about this to my confidants. I'm so reluctant to speak about this because I fear what my reaction would be. The wound runs so deep. This change in our level of intimacy is so excruciating. I'm going to miss how he used to take care of me because I made myself sick by burning myself out. He'd kindly pick up after my snotty tissues, make me cups of tea, and massage Vicks vapor rub on my back. He'd even wrap his arm around me while I was sleeping to ease my feverish dreams. He'd always get sick after that, but that just meant it was my time to return the favor. I'm going to miss curling up under the same comforter while I'd play Gamecube, and he'd do his homework on the laptop.
I miss how he'd hug me tightly after a long day, and say, "How the hell do you still smell so nice after 8 hours of work?" I miss all the little things he bothered with to show me how much he cared. I just hope he can say the same about me.
Like I said, I absolutely hate his decision. Now, I honestly feel spiteful. I want him to hurt 10 times worse than I do. I want him to feel the sting until it reaches the depths of his being. I want for his very essence to feel the burning sensation that I have in my chest. I want him to cry to sleep every night only to wake up 3 hours later to cry again. I want him to put up a facade and have someone constantly rip it down so he can rebuild it over and over again. I want his food to be tasteless. I want the music he listens to help him relive heartbreak. I want him to obsessively clean to keep his mind off how his stomach churns.
I want him to know how it feels to be me.
However, all of that is pure fantasy. I couldn't really wish that upon him. It wouldn't make me feel any more satisfied. There would be no gratification whatsoever.
I'm so whipped, I feel pathetic. I can't even bring myself to tell him all that I feel. I just lash out. I make empty threats about how I'm going to mess with other guys. He knows I can't do it. I just can't.
I love him dearly. I'm thankful that we've even shared something so wonderful. Even though we've been on the brink of non-existence for the past year and a half, it hasn't softened the blow of finally going over the edge. I'm so grateful that his loved washed over me like a soft summer's rain. He truly loved me unconditionally, he helped me face all my fears, but one. This is one fear I'll have to face alone.
Letting him go.
Random Blurb: I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready.
::Kitten::
Quick little note. New submission on the Kitten. November seems to be a good month for written inspiration. Just so you know, Brenna is once again going to bust it out at Open Mic Night at the Hot Monkey Love Cafe. So look forward to the lyrics of her newest song. I helped write it, kind of. So yeah, that's it! Later y'all.
Random Blurb:Open Mic Night again! Man, having late classes sucks. That's why I've been away for too long!
::Night Nurse::
So, I read Nick's blog everyday because he has many interesting stories to share. Nick just started working in an ER so that made me think of that song, "Night Nurse" by Gregory Isaacs. So being me, I started to look for a link or real audio so I could share it with you all. Guess what I found? Yup, I found a way for everyone to hear the song, but you're going to need real audio. And to top the cake, I have the lyrics too. Yay for me. I killed some time. So I hope you guys enjoy.
"Night Nurse" by Gregory Isaacs
Ah...ah...ah...ah...ah...
Tell her try her best just to make it quick
Woman, tend to the sick
‘Cause there must be something she can do
This hear is broken in two
Tell her it’s a case of emergency
There’s a patient by the name of Gregory
Night nurse
Only you alone can quench this ya thirst
My night nurse, oh, gosh
Oh, the pain is gettin’ worse
I don’t wanna see no doc
I need attendance from my nurse around the clock
For there’s no prescription for me
She’s the one, the only remedy
Night nurse
Only you alone can quench this ya thirst
My night nurse
Oh, the pain is gettin’ worse
I’m hurt by love
Ah...ah...ah...ah...ah...
I don’t wanna see no doc
I need attendance from my nurse around the clock
For there’s no prescription for me
She’s the one, the only remedy
Night nurse
Only you alone can quench this ya thirst
My night nurse
Oh, the pain is gettin’ worse
I’m hurt by love
And I’m sure
No doctor can cure
Night nurse
Night nurse, oh, gosh
Random Blurb: Yeah, I'm hurt by love too...grrr. I'm feeling so spiteful.
::My Sister is Fiesty...Kitten::
I have a 5 yr old sister, and I regret that I don't get to spend a whole lot of time with her. She leaves for school before I wake up, I leave for work or school before she gets home, and I usually get home from work way after she's gone to bed. We hang out before I go to work on the weekends and on my days off from work. I'll admit, that I have to be firm with Rita because she lacks discipline, and of course that's not her fault. I talk to her like she's my equal, I don't talk down to her, but she knows when I'm being serious with her. All in all, considering all the factors, we have a pretty solid relationship based on respect. I just didn't realize that until very recently.
Rita threw a huge fit, she was slamming doors and throwing stuff around. I was trying to get ready for work, so I came out of my room and knocked on her door. She had locked it. I just said, "Hey, it's me. Let me in." She didn't hesitate to say, "OK, I'm coming." My younger brother was standing behind me. When my sister saw him, she said, "Hey, you can't come in. I only want to talk to Rochelle." Eh, my little brother doesn't really respect our sister because he's 13, what do you expect at that age? So I have a talk with my sister and let her know that her behavior isn't going to solve her problem. She said, "I know, but mom and Ferd make me mad." So I just told her, "Hey, there's going to be a lot of people who are going to make you mad. I'm pretty sure I might make you mad someday. You just need to learn how to talk to people the right way and make a compromise." Now this might sound like a lot for a 5 yr old to process, that may be true. I knew she understood when she asked me, "Compromise? Like when you make a deal so both people are OK with it?" And I told her that was completely right. So she calmed down, and apologized to my mom and brother, then she started cleaning her own mess.
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but,
TOOT...TOOT! I'm good. Haha. I could definitely do that parenting thing when it comes down to it. It's kinda scary how my sister can totally write off my parents but she listens to me. Maybe it's my approach? Whatever it is, I'm just glad the girl isn't going to grow up into some spoiled little shit. I can't stand kids like that.
Just so you all know, I've put up a new post on the Kitten. As of last night, I do know my relationship status with someone. We've decided to just remain friends at this point. We really enjoy each other's company, but he's not ready to commit fully because he knows that he has a lot of things he needs to work out. Of course I'm disappointed, but I didn't lose him. That's what I was really scared of. But what I wrote has nothing to do with that. I wrote that because of situations with some family members. I love them to death, but it seems that love just isn't enough sometimes. As sad as that may be, I won't stop loving my family. No matter how hard it is to get along with them, I love them unconditionally. It's just that sometimes, I can really feel a strong dislike for what they do. But hey, enough of that. Until I blog again, stay safe and spay and neuter your animals!
Random Blurb: Bob Barker, you're the man. Preach on with the spay and neuter thing! If you don't, then I'm gonna hafta stop watching "The Price is Right".
::New Post On the Kitten::
I'm not quite sure how we got on the subject of my blogs at work, but one of my co-workers took the liberty of submitting a couple of things he wrote. I hope you guys go check that out. It's really interesting to read other people's work. I get sick of my own work real quick. You can always get in contact with him by getting in contact with me, just so you all know. All right then, bye!
Random Blurb: Sharing means caring...ahaha. See I did learn something from that insipid, purple, dinosaur.
::Days::
::Wednesday:11:5:03::
So, it's been a few days. Things are...bareable. Yeah, that fits perfect. Wednesday after school I went to watch Matrix Revolutions with Brenna, Minh, and some of Minh's friends. After that, Brenna, Minh, John, and I hit up Denny's and got our late night grub on. Brenna confessed to me that she was trying to get water to come out of John's nose. I confessed to her that I thought that was what she was doing and I was trying to help her out. Our waiter at Denny's had a different accent each time he talked to us. John's cool. He laughs at my jokes, so that makes me think he's cool. Then after that we went home.
::Thursday:11:6:03::
Yesterday, I went to Cheesecake Factory with Brenna and Mike. Despite the 45 minute wait, we had a good ass time. Conversation was great, the food was good, then me and Mike fought over the slice of cheesecake we were trying to share. It's his fault for not getting his own. Dumbass didn't want to take my offer. We played Mario Party 4, again. That's been the
"IT" game lately. It's fucking hilarious when you get Me, Mike, Brenna, and either my brother Ferd or Erick in a room together. We get all stupid, and it's laughs all around. I'm glad it's like that. I've been needing that lately. I'm blessed, and that makes me happy. I have good friends, no they're better than good. They're absolutely
FANTASTIC DARLING!
I'm in a very thankful mood. Things have gotten me down lately, even though I don't show it all the time. I mean really, they're my problems, I hate burdening others with them. It's just good to know that if I really need to vent, I have a good supportive group to lean on. Even though one of them has something to do with one of my problems, we're at least trying to work them out. Hmm, that's pretty much all I have for this post. I'm waiting on some contributions for the KungFuKitten. I'll let you all know when that's posted. Until then, take care of yourself and each other.
Random Blurb: Pumpkin pecan cheesecake is good...*salivating*
::Age of Soul, Soul Sessions, Soul Baring::
...Age...Today I start my countdown to the day of my birth. In exactly 1 month I will finally stop being a teenager and move onto the next crappy year of my life at 20. I'm at that age where I could go and do that cool 18 and up shit, but the better crap won't happen for another year. I've missed so many grade A hip hop shows that it makes me want to cry. I'm always hearing shit like, "(Enter underground hip hop act here) is performing at the 4th & B. Too bad you can't go." Then I get pissed and say, "Well fuck you too! Why don't you help yourself to a can of chinga tu madre on the table?" But oh well, it'll be worth the wait.
...Sessions...Right now I can't get enough listening enjoyment from a CD I purchased recently. If you're into soul, I highly recommend that you check out Joss Stone. I wouldn't really consider this album her debut because they're all covers, but you get a little taste of her talent. Check out "Soul Sessions". Joss' voice is powerful and beautiful. She's such a soul sister that soul musicians who've been in retirement came back to help with this album, that's what I call talent! Little Beaver came on to play guitar and she had Latimore on the ivories. Top that off she had Betty Wright help produce tracks and do backup vocals. We're talking about the original "Clean-Up Woman"!!! That line up is just
FANTASTIC. The song I like the most on that album is her rendition of Joe Simon's,
"Chokin' Kind". Eh, if you look down at my last post, my random blurb is some of the lyrics from that song. That CD really touches on all the emotions I've been going through lately.
...Baring...I fell in love with someone almost 5 years ago. I've had people tell me, "It couldn't have been love, you were only 15!" For those of you who know me and that person, what else could it have been? What else could it be? Our love is unconditional and forgiving. But right now, it's also in a lot of trouble. I don't want to issue an ultimatum or make demands because that's not fair. I just want him to make up his mind about us. This has been an underlying issue for about a year and a half. It just hurts so bad. It's like that Lauryn Hill song,
"Ex-Factor" or even her song, "When it Hurts so Bad". *sigh* I just need emotional relief. That's all I need right now. That's all...
Random Blurb: I need to find peace of mind. It's a never ending quest.
