::Disturbed and Abused::
I had the worst dream I could possibly imagine. It was the type of dream where everything feels so real, I awoke in a cold sweat, tears were streaming down my cheeks, and my heart was palpitating furiously. I relived a part of my life that damaged me emotionally, and I'm still trying to deal with those repercussions today. For what seemed like eternity, I was 6 years old again. They sky was a hazy yellow, and I was looking at it from the balcony of my grandma's old apartment. I watched the cars drive by on Plaza Blvd. My grandma called me inside to eat lunch, and I walked back into her 8th floor, 2 bedroom, nook of the world. My step-grandpa had just come back from where ever, then the next thing I knew he was fighting with my grandma. He was screaming at her, I could see a burning rage in his gray eyes. The veins were popping out of his neck and in the hand where he held his cane. My grandma was cowering beneath him, crying. She was apologizing over and over again. I couldn't move. I stood there and even with everything I had, I could not force myself to move even an inch. I wanted to protect my lola Paz with all my might, but I was paralyzed. My voice couldn't even force out a squeak. I watched in horror as he swung his cane at the table, smashing the dishes to bits. Then he raised his hand, as if he was going to strike my grandma, and at that moment I was able to yell, "STOP!". The word echoed through the air as he turned around to face me. Everything around me and him vanished. His eyes were no longer angry, they were filled with a sickening lust. He walked over to me, and tried to take me by the hand. I flinched at his touch. I always did. He whispered in my ear, and I wanted to vomit. His raspy voice sent shivers down my spine and chilled me to the bone. I heard it so clearly, "Go to the room. I promise that I won't hurt grandma if you keep our secret." I wanted to hide, I wanted to disappear, I wanted to run, I wanted to do so many things, but I chose to go to the room. I didn't want anything to happen to my grandma. I sat on the bed, and he had me sit on his lap. The moment I felt his wrinkled and clammy hands inching towards the buttons on my pants I saw black and felt nothing. The next thing I remember is standing back outside on the balcony. The sun had set, and the night sky was cloudy. It looked like it was going to rain. I was in my pajamas and my hair was wet. I smelled like Johnson and Johnson's tear free shampoo. I stood up on a bar stool, and balanced myself on the concrete ledge. Then I jumped. The ground was fast approaching, I saw black and woke up. I cried for at least an hour before I could get back to sleep.
Things didn't happen exactly like that, but the bastard was abusive nonetheless. He used the threat of harming my grandma to keep me quiet. He basically told me that if I sacrificed myself, I could save her. So I did, and it worked. For the most part anyway. He finally went over the line, and my grandma left him. It shames me to admit this, but I'm glad he died. He was a bad man, I just hope he didn't hurt anyone else after that. I didn't confront all of this until my sophomore year in high school. I hate that it still affects me now. That dream was too real, and now I'm just short of traumatized. I hate that this came up while I'm going through this already stressful time. Thank the Lord it was only a dream. I don't ever want to relive that again.
Random Blurb: I'm hoping for a dreamless night. I'm too disturbed.
posted by Rochelle @ 6:59:00 PM
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