::"Him"::
The past few days, I've been skating by on minimal food and sleep. I'm genuinely not hungry and genuinely not tired. The only reason why I attempt to eat or rest is because I know that I'll need it. Right now, I just can't help it. I never can help it when I'm emotionally stressed. I've been trying so hard to get through what I like to call, "just another funky phase". I've been trying to tell myself that's all it is, but it's so much bigger than anything else I've encountered. My heart aches with every beat. My smiles act as a mask to hide my cloudy disposition. I can laugh and joke, but that is all so very fleeting. The moment I have time to think to myself is the same moment I'm ready to break down. I try so hard to not let my thoughts revolve around how badly I feel for myself. There are other people who are going through a time that's equally trying, or maybe even more so. But whenever I think of "him", any composure I've been able to muster falls to pieces.
I find it odd how I'm acting like I've completely lost him. The decision he made was to just be friends. Even though I hate that it came to this, I accept it. We still see and talk to each other. It's inevitable. We're in too deep to just drop almost 5 years together. I swear everything is still so fresh in my mind. I remember how our very first conversation went through the night and well past sunrise. The first time he drove me home I had already closed the car door, but he opened his window and said, "Hey, you're cute". He told me that he'll always remember how I ran around the front of the car, gave him a kiss on the cheek, thanked him, and said good night. From that day forward, we had the pleasure of getting to know each other more and more. In each other, we found the honesty, sincerity, and trust that we were looking for. Now, I try so hard to fight saying the words, "I love you". He does too. We thought it would be best, so that we could try to make things just a little more simple. I have no idea if it's working for him. I'm remaining hopeful that just once, it will slip out so I can say it back and while I'm looking into his beautiful, brown, eyes. The love is still there between us. Sad as it is, sometimes, love just isn't enough.
It's so hard to even talk about this to my confidants. I'm so reluctant to speak about this because I fear what my reaction would be. The wound runs so deep. This change in our level of intimacy is so excruciating. I'm going to miss how he used to take care of me because I made myself sick by burning myself out. He'd kindly pick up after my snotty tissues, make me cups of tea, and massage Vicks vapor rub on my back. He'd even wrap his arm around me while I was sleeping to ease my feverish dreams. He'd always get sick after that, but that just meant it was my time to return the favor. I'm going to miss curling up under the same comforter while I'd play Gamecube, and he'd do his homework on the laptop. I miss how he'd hug me tightly after a long day, and say, "How the hell do you still smell so nice after 8 hours of work?" I miss all the little things he bothered with to show me how much he cared. I just hope he can say the same about me.
Like I said, I absolutely hate his decision. Now, I honestly feel spiteful. I want him to hurt 10 times worse than I do. I want him to feel the sting until it reaches the depths of his being. I want for his very essence to feel the burning sensation that I have in my chest. I want him to cry to sleep every night only to wake up 3 hours later to cry again. I want him to put up a facade and have someone constantly rip it down so he can rebuild it over and over again. I want his food to be tasteless. I want the music he listens to help him relive heartbreak. I want him to obsessively clean to keep his mind off how his stomach churns. I want him to know how it feels to be me.
However, all of that is pure fantasy. I couldn't really wish that upon him. It wouldn't make me feel any more satisfied. There would be no gratification whatsoever. I'm so whipped, I feel pathetic. I can't even bring myself to tell him all that I feel. I just lash out. I make empty threats about how I'm going to mess with other guys. He knows I can't do it. I just can't.
I love him dearly. I'm thankful that we've even shared something so wonderful. Even though we've been on the brink of non-existence for the past year and a half, it hasn't softened the blow of finally going over the edge. I'm so grateful that his loved washed over me like a soft summer's rain. He truly loved me unconditionally, he helped me face all my fears, but one. This is one fear I'll have to face alone. Letting him go.
Random Blurb: I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready.
posted by Rochelle @ 6:18:00 AM
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