::I Have a Confession::
I've been trying very hard to fight self-destructive urges. I want to pick up a razor blade and run it down my arm. I want to feel physical pain so it dulls the emotional. I've just been so...scared. I'm scared of my thoughts, I'm scared to go to sleep, I'm scared to find out how this post will make my friends feel, I'm scared to put my parents through a repeat of my sophomore year in high school. I'm especially scared of myself. At one time, I knew what I was capable of. I knew how far I would go to hurt myself. Now, I think I'm regressing. I can't tell how fast, all I know is that I don't know my own limit. I keep feeling like I'm ready to go over the edge. Then somehow I inch away from it, then something shoves me towards it again. I'm a wreck. I don't even want to close my eyes at night. I'm haunted by that fucking bastard and his gray eyes. I get that sick feeling out of nowhere, my chest burns, then the tears run freely. I've been having some really good times when I hang out with friends. I genuinely enjoy myself when I'm with them. They help me ease into my day. I know I don't have the best relationship with some of my family members, but thinking about what would happen to them if I left scares me. I'm driving myself insane with fear. The biggest fear that's been bothering me is that even with all these wonderful people in my life, I still want to end it. I have people who would stop their lives just to help me with my own. I'm surrounded by good friends and family. With all that, I shouldn't feel this lonely. I shouldn't, but I do.
I don't know how to bring this up in conversation. I hate myself for feeling this way during this time of year. I've been trying to maintain my faith and praying that I make the right decisions, but I need more help. I've made an appointment. I'm going back to take advantage of counseling. Thank God I'm not ashamed to seek help anymore. I just can't keep going on like this. It's been too long. I don't want anyone to worry, but I know that there will be someone who will. Please just take comfort in the fact that I'm getting help. I don't know how else to express my current situation. I don't feel it appropriate to bring up in conversation. I've been trying to clear my head and use some rationale. Truth is, it's not working. I've been fronting like crazy, holding shit back. I can't do that to myself anymore. I'm strong enough now to fight this the right way. I'm not giving in, I may want to, but that's not God's will or my own. I just need to make the little baby steps to shake this off.
Random Blurb: Thank you, thank you, thank you to my Lola Paz. If I didn't talk to you recently I might have totally given up on trying to fight. You seem to know what's going on just by listening to my voice, and I find comfort in yours.
posted by Rochelle @ 2:51:00 AM
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