Sunday, January 04, 2004

::A Dark Shade of Blue and Undertones of Brilliant Gold::


I've been a little down and frustrated lately. It's really hard to explain why, because it's a long list of little things that acted as catalysts to bring me to this point. To sum everything up, I feel as though I behave in a way that allows certain people to perceive me in a negative light. These are people that I care about very deeply, and I don't want us to drift. In recent conversations, we've tried to deal with some issues that we felt were important. I was completely honest and spoke only my true feelings. I held nothing back and tried to keep my words as tactful as possible, but unfortunately it didn't seem appreciated. I tried not to take it personally, but then some responses they offered were said with malicious intent. Now, I'm feeling the freeze of a cold shoulder and an icy stare. I've tried to apologize and to initiate more conversation and have yet to get results. So now, I can only wait. This is proving to be the most difficult part. It's hard to maintain a level of optimism when I happen to live with one of these people, and they won't even speak to me when I pass them in our hallway. I tell myself and friends that the most you can do is try. Just do your part to work towards resolution. I'm trying my damnedest to stick to my words, but the pain at times is excruciating. I only want my relationships with people to improve. I don't mean to hurt, I only have good intentions, especially because these are people I love. *sigh* I pray that we'll be fine in the long run.

In mass today, the subject that came up was to focus on strengthening the relationships you have with family and friends. The words struck a chord. I started praying so hard so that I could find the inner strength to endure. And my grandma's friends noticed. It's so weird how they have an almost supernatural intuitiveness to the emotions of others. It was touching that they tried so hard to comfort me. Nanay Feli said something that I really took to heart,

"No matter what, I can see you try to be a good person. None of us are without our flaws. Embrace yourself as I and many others embrace you. I see good in your heart, you should see it too."

It was something I could hear my own Lola Paz say. It helped ease the heartache and I'm very thankful. I can't wait until I get to talk to my grandma tomorrow. Now, all I can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I know that my faith will see me through. It always has, even when I was blinded by my own stubborness or foolishness.


Random Blurb: I'm positively blessed to be surrounded by such kind people. I can't show enough appreciation.

posted by Rochelle @ 8:24:00 PM