::A Ship Lost In The Raging Sea::
I've been feeling a little empty, still a little lonely. I have the greatest friends, truly they're wonderful people. I enjoy the time spent with each of them. My appreciation could never be expressed in a way that could possibly let them know just how much. It's very comforting to know that if I choose, I can bring any of my feelings to their attention and they'll listen and help me through. There's just a lot of things that I just can't say to them, for whatever reason. I'm trying very hard to work through all of my emotions and finding their causes, but more importantly I'm looking for some much needed solutions. I saw my counselor yesterday, and we spent the session taking care of sorting out all the major feelings I have at this point. It's just so difficult to put it all into words. There's so much frustration, resentment, longing, fear, and anger among all the other things. The feeling that is most prevalent is flat out exhaustion. I'm so tired of feeling these negative emotions. I'm finding it harder to confront some very painful aspects of my life. I can conversate about it, and maintain my composure with out a problem. I'm at the point where that IS very much part of who I am, and molded me into the person before you. I can talk about it, but each time I simply give facts. It's hard to divulge the intimate details of abuse and the feelings that came with each experience. I mean really, how do you tell someone the horrors of being viewed as an old man's play thing and a teenager's punching bag? How do you even begin to explain the animosity which stemmed from years of neglect? I don't know, but I wish I did. I'm just trying to take each day for what it is. Dealing with whatever comes my way to the best of my ability. I'd like to open up more. I just can't find the words to say how I'm being eaten away. I can only express so much before I feel an icy clamp tighten around my throat as I choke on my own thoughts. Could it be trust issues? Could it be I'm scared to confront my own dark past? I want to know, for my own sake. More importantly, I want to know so I can stop making others worry about my well-being. I feel selfish for not being able to share what's really on my mind when someone asks. I hate how I'm isolating myself from the people who care the most. I just don't know what to do right now. A little guidance would make all the difference in the world.
Random Blurb: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
posted by Rochelle @ 10:41:00 PM
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