::I Want COW...But Chicken Will Suffice::
The original intent of my post today was to write about how people have asked some interesting questions and made up theories about my relationship with my significant other. But I'm shoving that aside for a later date because I'm hungry. The heart and mind have been abdicated from the bodily function throne. The tyrranical gnawing at my innards has become king. I WANT A STEAK. Dammit with this no meat on Friday deal. That always gives me the worst cravings for steaks and burgers. I could never give up meat for the entire span of Lent, one day a week kills me more than enough.
*RAWR* I've been thinking about food since I got into work at 3. Specifically, I've been thinking about beef. I mean I like chicken and all, but dammit!!! A good steak, garlic mashed potatoes, and some steamed buttered baby carrots is the image floating in my brain. Mmm...*drool*...Good stuff! Some chicken teriyaki sounds good right now too. Oh man! I've
been craving for spam musubi. Wow, food is great. There's so much variety out there. This is one of the rare moments when it's actually worth bringing me to a buffet. OK, well I think I've just made things worse for my current situation. LOL...I'm good at making myself go a little crazy. Wow, so really that's all I have to say. I'll just sit in my cubicle and eat a Reese's peanut butter cup until I can get some REAL food.
Random Blurb: Hey, my stomach sounds like this: *grumble grumble grumble*
::It's Been Some Time::
Hey! You can write poetry without even knowing it! Go check out the thoughts I was able to conjure during an AIM conversation with my BESTEST BUDDY BRENNA!!! It came out kinda cool. She pointed it out to me. I was like, "Whoa. Dude. That's kinda awesome." Okie dokie. That's all for now. K...Byeeeeee!
Random Blurb: I'm such a freaking weirdo...that's part of my charm I guess?
::But Wait...There's More!::
OK, it's about 3:45 PM on the 21st. I'm just letting you guys know that I also put up Brenna's most recently performed song. Which I'm sure everyone can relate to. That's why I like Brenna's music so much, all topics that I fully and completely understand. Good stuff. You guys can peep that out, and you can leave her messages on her blog. Look over to the right hand side, she's the Tidy Messes link. So yeah, I'm done. I'm good...kind of. Feeling funky. I dunno. Just a little stressed out, but nothing I can't handle. OK, well this is it until I can find something to write about again. Adios.
::Wave My Magic Wand, And I Will Disappear::
There are so many things going on, many of which I have no control over. I try to accept them and find comfort in the things I have more power over. These type of things are very minor, but once I feel they've slipped from my grasp I get upset. I overact. I just want to freak out and get a nervous breakdown out of my system. I'm feeling that way right now, but freaking out is never an option. I'm mad at myself for feeling this way...again. What the hell? I'm a fucking drag. I'm going to hide out for a little bit. No need to bring anyone else down with this sinking ship.
Random Blurb:Suck it up, put on a brave face, and dance like the little puppet you are.
::Tired::
Things have happened since I last posted, both good and bad. I'm very thankful for the good. I have wonderful friends, an amazing significant other, and certain family members let me know I'm appreciated. I count those blessings everyday and try to remember to show those people that I'm grateful that they are part of my life. They make me feel good. I always feel loved around them. I can genuinely smile, laugh, and let go of things that would usually bug the crap out of me or just piss me the fuck off. That's a nice feeling. I try to surround myself with that feeling every chance I get.
I loathe the fact that some people can just throw you into a funk. That sucks. My mother...God...my mother. She only gets that title by default, and I hate how she knows just what to say to hurt me. It
shouldn't bother me. It's
not true. I
know that she just wants to make herself feel better by making me feel bad. I don't give her the satisfaction of seeing me wounded by her words. I keep up this front until I can lock myself in my room for a little bit to regroup and prepare for the next barrage of insults and false characterizations. Such is my life, so boo fucking hoo. Get over it. It's not enough to have to pick up her slack where certain responsibilities are concerned. It's not enough to sacrifice
my plans for
my future so that I could help take care of the family's present. *RAWR* I feel like crud. Sorry if I seem off. It's just time to shake off another funk.
Random Blurb: I just want to lay down, everything feels like it's dragging 20 feet behind me.
::You're Not My Mother::
Whenever my Lola Paz visits, there are more pros than cons. I just need to vent about the cons. See, it's not my grandma who gives me the drama though, it's my biological mother. For all intents and purposes, let me just clear up the scenario.
I've never really had a good relationship with my mom. I don't think she's very motherly at all, she acts a lot more like an older sibling or someone who fits closely along those lines. You can express to her your need for a mother, or at least her acting as a friend. That doesn't matter. She's not dependable. Too often she'll say one thing and do another. She blatantly practices the fine art of hipocracy. She doesn't take into account how a lot of her actions could or would affect the other members of our family. She's down right selfish. When she does things for other people you can't help but wonder if it's to make a good impression, to give her something to brag about, or give her something to hold over your head as a favor. I've picked up a lot of her slack where my younger siblings are concerned. There's not a need for detail, but I've given up many things to make sure that when my dad can't be there for them that I was/am/will be. My older brother you ask? Yeah, I have one. That's about it. Since I don't want my siblings to have to worry about certain things I've adapted the, "if I don't do it, no one else will" attitude. I'm sure that many people with younger siblings can relate to that feeling.
The person that I consider to be my mother is my Lola. I'd give up anything for her because she'd do that for me. She's the one who was able to shower me in love and guide me through life. She taught me morals, gave me the tools to figure out what good values are, and it was my grandma who was there when I needed a mother most. I'm not expecting my mom to be just like my grandma. Not at all. However, you'd figure that my grandma passed along some of her motherly instinct to her own daughter. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. I wish. I guess mommy dearest feels the pressure to
act like a mother whenever my grandma is in town. All of a sudden, my mom will be on my case about whatever she can find. Suddenly, she's so concerned about me. Then when grandma leaves, she's in the clear and stops giving a flying fuck about what I do. That really pisses me off. I mean I should be used to it by now. She does this
EVERY fucking time. I should be used to a lot of things she does. I need to quit holding out that false hope that maybe one day she'll come around. But, that hope will always be there because I'm a fucking idiot. I'm mad at my mom, but even more upset with myself. I can't say, "no" because most of the time it involves picking up responsibility for family. I don't even understand why I'm like this. I mean considering the shit that went down in the past I'm really suprised I even have this sense of loyalty, responsibility, and committment. ARGH...fuck it. That's good enough.
The End
Random Blurb: Sometimes...*sigh*...whatever. I'm OK.
