::You're Not My Mother::
Whenever my Lola Paz visits, there are more pros than cons. I just need to vent about the cons. See, it's not my grandma who gives me the drama though, it's my biological mother. For all intents and purposes, let me just clear up the scenario.I've never really had a good relationship with my mom. I don't think she's very motherly at all, she acts a lot more like an older sibling or someone who fits closely along those lines. You can express to her your need for a mother, or at least her acting as a friend. That doesn't matter. She's not dependable. Too often she'll say one thing and do another. She blatantly practices the fine art of hipocracy. She doesn't take into account how a lot of her actions could or would affect the other members of our family. She's down right selfish. When she does things for other people you can't help but wonder if it's to make a good impression, to give her something to brag about, or give her something to hold over your head as a favor. I've picked up a lot of her slack where my younger siblings are concerned. There's not a need for detail, but I've given up many things to make sure that when my dad can't be there for them that I was/am/will be. My older brother you ask? Yeah, I have one. That's about it. Since I don't want my siblings to have to worry about certain things I've adapted the, "if I don't do it, no one else will" attitude. I'm sure that many people with younger siblings can relate to that feeling.The person that I consider to be my mother is my Lola. I'd give up anything for her because she'd do that for me. She's the one who was able to shower me in love and guide me through life. She taught me morals, gave me the tools to figure out what good values are, and it was my grandma who was there when I needed a mother most. I'm not expecting my mom to be just like my grandma. Not at all. However, you'd figure that my grandma passed along some of her motherly instinct to her own daughter. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. I wish. I guess mommy dearest feels the pressure to act like a mother whenever my grandma is in town. All of a sudden, my mom will be on my case about whatever she can find. Suddenly, she's so concerned about me. Then when grandma leaves, she's in the clear and stops giving a flying fuck about what I do. That really pisses me off. I mean I should be used to it by now. She does this EVERY fucking time. I should be used to a lot of things she does. I need to quit holding out that false hope that maybe one day she'll come around. But, that hope will always be there because I'm a fucking idiot. I'm mad at my mom, but even more upset with myself. I can't say, "no" because most of the time it involves picking up responsibility for family. I don't even understand why I'm like this. I mean considering the shit that went down in the past I'm really suprised I even have this sense of loyalty, responsibility, and committment. ARGH...fuck it. That's good enough.
Random Blurb: Sometimes...*sigh*...whatever. I'm OK.
posted by Rochelle @ 9:14:00 AM
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