::Cryin' Over You::
I've been so moody. I hate when I'm like this. Things are sinking in and it's making me feel extremely insecure about myself. I know that I
SHOULD NOT feel that way at all. It's just getting harder and harder to see myself become a mommy. I've been assured that having children will not be an issue when I decide the time is right. My doctor has answered all my questions concerning how this will affect me later on down the road. The only concern at this time is to ensure that my left side stays healthy. However, your mind can be your own worst enemy, and that is my situation at the moment. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I can't see things the way I used to, and that causes me some worry. I mean I know what should be, but that's just not how I can perceive it. No matter how much I try to find comfort in the knowledge that I was given, I can't help but stress over this monumental change in my life. I've put forth so much effort to be as informed as possible, alas, it has done nothing to quell the fears I fabricate in the recesses of my mind. Deep down, I'm sure that I will be fine and that everything will fall into place for me and the family that I want to have. However, I just can't seem to get rid of these negative emotions. My water works have been in over drive lately. I'm lonely. I feel distant from my loved ones. I have no one to blame but myself for that. At one point, I felt my sense of drive and direction was moving at sonic proportions. Now, I'm just so lost. Drive and direction? Now, those things have dulled down to a faint buzz. I just don't know anymore.
The point of having this blog is to express those things that I just can't find the voice to bring up in conversation with my closest confidants. I hope that this does explain some of the behavior I've been exhibiting. I feel like I've been acting asinine and even though I realize what I'm doing, I just can't stop myself. Grr...there I go again...stupid wretch.
Random Blurb: *sigh*
::What Happened Was The Blood Supply Was Cut Off To Your Ovary, Which Made It Necrotic...::
I've been home from the hospital for over a week. Things are taking a whole lot of adjusting, but I'm very happy that the healing process is going smoothly. I just...*sigh*...it's starting to all sink in. I know that it's something that I could not have possibly controlled. This is a fact which I can accept. I've just been sitting up late, replaying the moment I saw Dr. Borja after surgery. Since she was contacted by the doctors in the emergency room, she's the OB/GYN who took prime responsibility for me as her patient. I didn't see her again until Friday morning. She and Dr. Nurse had already spoken to my mom and Minh about what actually took place during surgery. She repeated it all for me that morning. I couldn't process what she said until now. These things can just take that long. This has admittedly altered how I will forever view myself as a woman. In no way do I have a more negative image of myself, it's just...different. I'm still trying to sort out those thoughts. Right now, I'm beginning to understand the whole ordeal in the way that my thoughts can only process a sense of loss. I've cried once since they told me there was a possible need for them to remove integral parts of my reproductive system. Actually, I'll be needing to make that twice. It's hard for me because I lack understanding of how this all happened. I had no previous signs that indicated that there was this massive growth. The cyst had been festering for such a long period of time, and it amazes me that there was nothing hinting to any type of health problem. I've been killing myself with I wish this and that. If only this happened. Even though I realize that does me no good now, I can't help but wonder all the what ifs, what could haves, and the what shoulds. Things have turned out about as perfect as I could hope for with all things taken into consideration. For that I'm extremely grateful. It's just that now, I'm falling apart a little bit. Whatever defense mechanism I set up to deal with that stressful situation is crumbling. Reality is sinking in, and reality makes me feel very hurt right now. Overwhelming is the one word that sums everything up. This is something that no pain medication can help ease...that's just a little unfortunate for me at the moment.
Random Blurb: I don't want to make it seem like I have some sort of victim mentality, but damn I'm just tired of dealing with so much.
::I Lost Something On April 8, 2004::
It started all with pain on Wednesday night. Ended with surgery Thursday afternoon. Now, I'm one ovary and fallopian tube short of what God gave me. I'm left with pain that makes laughing a bitch, and makes me quite uncomfortable all my waking and sleeping hours. Really, I don't think the magnitude of what happened has hit me. I can tell you what happened, but ask me how I feel and the reply you get is, "I'm OK. Glad it wasn't worse." Honestly I don't know how I really feel. I'm just happy that I was visited by good friends, that my family pulled through for me, and that my significant other has proven to me that he's my angel. I'm thankful that everything worked out as well as it possibly could have, and that the doctors and nurses were so attentive and explained everything to me. I felt comfortable putting my trust in their knowledge and skill with this sort of thing. It's weird. I didn't cry when they told me what they would have to do, but now I feel like maybe I should? I don't know. I'm still trying to reflect on the situation. It was a difficult task to take in what the doctors were saying when I had been up for most of the night going from room to room. Test after test, scan after scan. I felt so bad that Minh wasn't with me for everything. I know that he went through so many hours of wondering what was going on, and the poor boy ended up exhausted. I know that it wasn't easy for people in my life to see me laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV, and relieving myself through a catheter. I'm beginning to wonder if it was worse to see me in that condition, than to have been the one experiencing it. There are a lot of things running through my head, which I want to sort out. So I guess this is a good start. In no way do I feel like, "half of a woman" as one person suggested. I can still function normally. It's not like I'll need hormone treatments, I'll still have a period, and I can still have kids. I'm just trying to soak it all in. Physically, I know I'll be fine. Emotionally, I know I'll be fine. But I'm still wondering what my real emotions are, the sooner I can identify them, the sooner I can deal if need be.
Random Blurb: I am certain of one feeling, I'm even more thankful for the people in my life.
