::Pass a Box of Tissues::
The word dream has several defintions. Let's see if I can get this post to express what I'm trying to get at.
dream ( P ) Pronunciation Key (drm)
n.
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
2. A daydream; a reverie.
3. A state of abstraction; a trance.
4. A wild fancy or hope.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration: a dream of owning their own business.
6. One that is exceptionally gratifying, excellent, or beautiful: Our new car runs like a dream.
So to simplify my train of thought, I'm going to assume that most readers are familiar with each one of these variations of dreams. I'd like to focus on the very first definition. Now, sometime or other, everyone has dreamt while asleep. The images may have been very pleasant, strange, nightmarish, or just plain unmemorable. We may not know why these dreams occur, but each one has some sort of meaning behind it.
Now, I've had my share of each type of dream. However, I've been experiencing the nightmarish kind as of late. I don't know why, but horrible dreams of someone from my past have been more frequent. The scenarios are becoming more disturbing and frightful. When you get back to the reality of it all, you try to tell yourself, "It's only a dream". But it's never that simple when it comes to certain subjects.
These dreams are the kind that feel so real, even after hours of waking up the images are still fresh and clear. My heart palpatates for hours on end, and my hands take equally long to regain their steadiness. The good thing is, I am getting better at concealing how affected I am by these images. In the end, it's not real, so why be so bothered? I don't know. Just pass the box of tissues.
The thing I'm trying to get at is, a dream is never, "only a dream". There are emotions that can be conjured up. Some can be postive, some others negative. I've had some unwanted feelings brought up again, and some new issues have been raised. However, I don't want to burden anyone else with my involuntary "series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations". There's not much I can do to prevent these nightmares. Even after a day where I felt loved, secure, had fun, and relaxed I fall asleep only to be haunted. I'm trying hard to adopt the concept that it
IS only a dream. I wish they could just stop feeling so damned real.
Random Blurb: I'd much prefer dreamless nights.
::It's Morning...::
and I've wasted away all night. Unable to sleep. Incapable of clearing my head of the many thoughts that pollute my mind. I'm bothered by things I find out, sometimes I wish people didn't speak so freely around me. There's nothing for me to do about it. It's not my place or in my power. There is an insane amount of misunderstanding and lack of communication going on,
EVERYWHERE. It amplifies itself in some of the most trivial matters. I tried so hard to just let things go because there's nothing for me to do. I'm a middle man who's purpose is to act solely as a messenger or an audience. The thing that kills me the most is that I've been asked my opinion about the goings on, but once I open my mouth it's the wrong opinion. It's almost like the implication is I'm trying to be intentionally hurtful. Sorry...I guess. Just don't ask my opinion if you don't want me to be honest. I'd like sleep now. Too bad there's more to worry about.
FYI: New post on the Kitten and Happy Birthday to my Mom.
Random Blurb: I'd like a sleeping pattern. I haven't had one of those in about a good 5 years.
::Let's Play Hide And Seek::
I'll hide first, but don't bother to find me. I can't deal. I can feel that itch to run away coming. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I can't deal. Don't bother to find me.
Random Blurb: Can't think straight, too much going on at once.
::Total Hate::
I know that at one point in everyone's existence, there was a time where they have been very critical of their physical appearance. I mean it's only natural. You
ARE your own worst critic. I am the type that will scrutinize all the little things about myself. Right now, I'm in self-hate mode. For some reason, there have been a lot of comments made about my weight. This has been a long standing issue for me. I've
ALWAYS been a little overweight. I mean, in reality, I'm subject to way more positive comments. However, it's always the negative things that seem to stick to me the most. I hate the fact that those comments can always make me feel guilty about the way I choose to handle my lifestyle. I feel so guilty and am so affected by those words, that it puts me in a funk. I don't like being in a funk because of how horrible I act. And when I act horrible, it affects my interactions with the people who are brave enough to deal with my bullshit on a daily basis. Then there's more guilt. I know better, too bad I just can't act like it.
That sums up one thing that's been bothering me lately. I've been so damned emotional. *Rawr* I'm drained just from thinking about stuff. Stuff can suck. Whatever...the end.
Random Blurb: ...(speechless)...
::Mother, How I Love And Hate You Simultaneously::
Mother's day draws near...again. I'm always so conflicted about that day because of actions and words that can come from the woman who's supposed to be my mother. I truly only accept that she has that title by default. After all for carrying me around for 9 months and expelling me from her womb earns her some sort of credit. Honestly though, I don't think that a mother would make it a point to hurt her daughter's feelings. I swear, she can just say things that are inappropriate, unfounded, and just plain MEAN. I try not to listen and try to let it all slide because confrontation with this woman can only make the situation worse. She's quite stubborn. My lola Paz can't get her to listen at all. It's downright depressing to think that my mother let's her relationships with her daughter and mother deteriorate just because she believes she's always right. She can't admit she may be wrong. When you try to point out flaws she just chalks it up to everyone having some sort of crazy vendetta against her. This has been going on for years and will continue to go on probably until her dying day. Today was just not a good one between us. She said something that was, for lack of better terminology, "FUCKED UP". Today was a laundry day, and I ended up doing like 5 loads. You'd think that for doing her laundry, I'd get a thank you. But instead, she was mad that I didn't iron her clothes too? I was like I'm not a maid, iron your own clothes. Then she got into this whole thing about how she hopes that when I have a daughter she'll treat me with the "disrespect" I just showed her. Then she had the fucking audacity to say, "That is if you can even have kids." I was like WHAT THE HELL? How can you even go around saying things that insensitive? She made me cry...so she sucks. Grr...I just want to be saved from that crazy bitch. I don't think I deserved that shit at all.
Random Blurb: I'm just looking forward to the day I can leave this fucking hell hole.
::April, What A CRAZY Month::
April was one weird trip for me, I must say. It's almost been a month since surgery, and I'm happy that recovery is progressing as each day passes. Emotionally, I've been on a bad roller coaster ride trying to cope with what happened, but in the end I'm fine. It was just something that would take time for me to deal with and truly accept it as just something I had no power over. I mean it still sucks, but in the end I'm well and I know that I have so many people who love me. I mean the last day of April wasn't a good one...I ended up getting sick. Woo fucking hoo! Ain't I just one lucky bitch?
Long story short: I went to the Pinback concert with Brenna. We did way too much walking for my own good, and that made me really tired. I ended up sleeping outside for a couple of hours because we had more walking to do after the show. It was bloody cold. After I woke up on Friday morning I had a sore throat. Took a nap in the afternoon and by about 3 or so I had a raging temperature which continued to yo-yo until late Saturday night, early Sunday morning.
Anyway, I'm almost fully recovered from that one. My throat is still a little sore, but now I just have that sexy phlegmy thing going on like Phoebe from 'Friends'. Haha, I'm just kidding. Crap...there was an actual point to my post. I just wrote another piece for the Kitten because it has been badly neglected due to the crazy circumstances that arose. I was a little pissed off at the suggestion someone made of me being, "half of a woman" just because of my surgery. At first it didn't bother me because it was just a plain ignorant comment. Then it started to bug me because it was that blatantly ill formed in logic. So, with this piece I release all hard feelings I have towards that comment. I never held anything against the person who said it because I know that they didn't mean it like that. They were just scared for me. So yeah...it kind of sucks because all my writing sucks...hah...enjoy!
Random Blurb: I'm so freaking out of it...it has been one long, but enjoyable day
