::Roch Says::

::Heatwave::

It's amazing how in the span of a couple of weeks how drastically moods can swing. I've found myself battling some very negative feelings that have almost forced me back down that self-destructive path that I once followed. I can never pinpoint the exact cause of these drastic swings, but it can get very ugly, scary, and I get lost in pure selfishness. Since I was a child, I can remember going through the phases of this wild emotional ride. Of course, certain times were worse than others. Through the sheer grace of God, I either found my own way or had someone to pull me out and give me a good smack to set me straight. The strange coincidence that pulls these stormy episodes together, is that it seems to be particularly worse if it occurs during the summer. Perhaps it can be attributed to the fact that I have more time to myself, and the reflections I make about my past? This is the first summer in the span of 4 years where my only concern is tolerating the heat as I try to tan. No summer class to keep my mind occupied with facts, numbers, or papers. No work to force me to find little ways just to make it through my shift. This is the worst episode I've had in years, and maybe my inactivity is to blame? I'm really not sure.

My thoughts have been clouded over easily. It doesn't take much to throw me into a funk nowadays. Blah, I'm trying. I made a promise to myself to try and cope with my so-called "issues". This is a vow I've uttered to myself over and over again. It just gets so tiring to go through the spectrum of emotions so often in a short amount of time. I've been angry, disappointed, content, miserable, happy, and everything else you could imagine in the span of time it will take me to finish this post. OK, slight exaggeration but that's how it can feel. I've made through the valley of negativity, and things are on the upswing. I'd prefer that it stayed that way for a while. At the risk of sounding asinine, the cliché of, "Life is TOO short" applies. My personal earth moving event in April is evidence enough for me.

Being somewhat of the control freak I am, it's hard to try to just accept things as they happen. Personally, it kills to just have to roll with the punches. I would love to be able to be more proactive in the matters that affect my personal decisions concerning family. That is one thing that no matter how hard I try, I can't do alone. So much bothers me, but I'd say a good 95% of it I can't change on my own. I'm finding it extremely difficult to follow the words I've given friends as advice. I'm trying to take care of myself, and just put forth my part of the effort. I'm trying to do what I must to ensure my own future. But we ALL know that trying is the most complicated and exhausting task.

I really don't know where this post is going anymore. I should leave it at that. Honestly there's so much weighing on my mind, that I'm not sure if I make sense. It's time for me to continue trying at this trip called, "Life".

Randomb Blurb: See there I go with the whole selfish thing again! A VERY HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO MS. CHARLENE RAQUEL PEÑA!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

posted by Rochelle @ 12:54:00 AM