::Roch Says::

::the pressure is intense::

i just can't handle everything. school and homelife conflict so crazily. it's almost impossible to study at home and i get sick of the environment at school. at home, demands are made of me because there are too many supposed "daughter duties" to attend to. it's hard to get help so that i can just squeeze another hour of studying in. i can't stay awake to cram all the necessary information into my brain. i just can't deal and it's driving me insane. i'm so stressed out and i just want to push everyone away. i don't want anyone to have to "take my shit". it's my own fault that i'm in this situation. i thought that i could handle more than what the painful reality turned out to be. i'm so tired. my attention is so divided and it frustrates the hell out of me that i can't force myself to do better. it sucks that after admitting to my parents that i'm struggling that they're giving me sighs of disappointment. my best isn't good enough, never is, never was, never will be. i can't help but be a pessimistic, whiny, annoying, little bitch. i get yelled at because of silly things. i'm called names because someone else is going through what i consider an equally trying time. i wish i could just make everything right, but all the things i've done as of late are far from the lofty expectations people have of me. i know i've been snippy. i know i've been difficult. i know that i haven't been myself. all i have left for everyone is an apology. i can't be what my parents want, and it's too hard to even be what i want. i'm lost. very lost. i just want to disappear. i want to be forgotten. i want to be nothing. i need to get away. people are too mean, there's so little understanding, and i'm just supposed to take it. like i always do. things are too complicated for me to process. i just wish i could drift away and become nothing more than a faded memory. i'm so stressed out. i just hate the idea of taking anyone down with me. school is too hard. being alive in general is too hard. fuck everything. i don't even want to be around the people i love most. they don't deserve to hear my bitching. all i do now is bitch. too bad that's not a profession i can fall back on when i fucking flunk out of the university.

i'm such a drama queen. i'm a fucking waste. i'm stupid. like my brother has said, "no wonder you cut yourself, i'd do the same thing if i were you". i'm tired of fighting. i'll just accept all the things that have been said about me as of late. i don't have enough energy to argue. i don't want to fight. i don't want to deal. i'm tired. just so tired.

random blurb: i would be more than fine with not waking up tomorrow morning.

posted by Rochelle @ 7:04:00 PM