::Blah::
Pardon me, I just need to take some time out to feel sorry for myself. OK...boo fucking hoo. Self hating will not get me anywhere. I know that I'm not a useless, worthless, piece of elephant dung. I have people in my life who LOVE ME! They respect me as a person. They want the best for me. They support me in all my ventures. They are there for me, plain and simple. So why the drama? Why do I let people who I know I can't depend on bring me down? Why do they have this ability to break me down mentally and emotionally? Why do I even bother to let their words be more than words? I'll fucking tell you why...they are my parents. My mother can be extremely selfish, deceitful, fake, and hurtful. She refuses to believe that anything is her fault. SHE IS ALWAYS THE VICTIM. I know she says things just to be mean. She doesn't bother to know what's going on with her children. She doesn't even try to interact with us unless she's trying to convert us into nursing students, or to tell us how horrible we are as people. And I should be used to this shit. I should be able to just let it slide because she doesn't know what she's talking about. She doesn't even know me. I should just tell her to piss off. But she knows how to push buttons. Damn it! She can get me so fired up and it's hard to cool back down. So I'm over it. Fuck it. It's my life, I have goals, and I will reach them whether or not I have her support.
My father on the other hand. I don't hold as much resentment towards him. I mean he does try...but it's still very hard to reconnect with someone when you're really used to not being around them. For the most part, I only saw my dad on the weekends when I was a kid. I was pretty grown and used to doing my thing before his military career settled down. My mom painted a very unflattering picture of him while he was away and I never really felt I trusted him until well into my teenage years. The thing is, he has these expectations of me. Expectations I don't know he has until after I've already let him down some way. Because we have worked to build a better relationship I have huge respect for the guy. This is why he can make me feel like a failure. He doesn't say much, and when he does say something I feel like I let him down. There's this look he gives me and it just tears me apart. I didn't do things the way he expected. And you know what, he'll just have to stay disappointed until he comes around. I know what I want from life. I'll get it my way, the best way for me. I know he's worried for me, but it's time he has more faith in my abilities and my plans.
Phew. That feels good. I'm done with feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with wishing I could change things. I know they can make me feel bad, but it's up to me to feel better. I love my friends, my siblings, my parents, and the best part of my day (my significant other). I know that things will be OK, and I have people to remind me of that. I have people who will be there for me no matter what. I have more blessings than anything else in the world.
Random Blurb: I'm feeling much better. Here's to new beginnings! I can't wait for school to start!
posted by Rochelle @ 10:43:00 AM
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